Thread: jokes

  1. #1
    Dont_Shoot's Avatar
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    jokes

    enkele atc, etc jokes




    A SABENA airliner pulls up behind a KLM airliner on a crowded taxiway.

    SABENA to KLM on tower freq: "KLM holding number 4 come up 3030 (303.3 Unicom)." After a few minutes they call again "KLM holding number 3 come up 3030." Still no response so they call tower : "Tower tell the KLM aircraft ahead of SABENA 123 to come up on 3030"

    Just then the KLM crew jumps in and says, "Tower please tell the SABENA Aircraft that the professionals at KLM Dutch Airlines don't come up on discreet frequencies when they should be monitoring tower."

    The SABENA Aircraft then replies, "Okay tower, that's no problem but could you just let the professionals at KLM know that their gear pins are still in."

    (A moment of silence)

    KLM : Tower, KLM 3030 needs to return to the gate.
    ------------------
    One day, a general of the Army, an Admiral, and an Air Force General are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver.

    So the Admiral yells to a passing Sailor, "Sailor, catch that falling anchor!" The Sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it. The Admiral turns to the others and says "Gentlemen, that was bravery."

    The Army General says, "That's nothing," and yells, "Private, stop that moving tank!" The Private snaps to attention, shouts "Yes, sir!" and is crushed under the tank while trying to stop it. The Army General turns back to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that took guts."

    Finally, the Air Force General takes his turn. "Airman, catch that landing plane." The Airman snaps to attention and shouts "F*ck you, sir." The Air Force General turns to the others and`says, "Gentlemen, that took balls."
    ------------------
    Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95
    no. 1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
    no. 2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
    no. 1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.
    no. 2: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
    no. 1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY, DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
    no. 2: This is a lighthouse, Your Call.
    no. 1: ...
    ------------------
    Approach: Air Force 45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard, I see you've already ejected.
    ------------------
    What is the difference between a pilot and a jet engine?
    A jet engine stops whining soon after landing.
    ------------------
    "I went to the airport, with my ticket to Los Angeles. I brought three bags and told the Skycap, "I want this on to go to Seattle, this one to St. Louis and this one to Chicago."

    He said, "I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that."

    I said, "Why not? You did it last time
    ------------------
    An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after marching 12 miles, and says "God, this is SHIT."

    An Army Airborne grunt stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back weapon in hand, after jumping from an airplane and marching 18 miles, and says with a smile "God, this is THE shit."

    An Army Airborne Ranger lies in the mud, 55 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after jumping from a plane into the swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy, and says with a grin, "God, I LOVE this shit!"

    An Army Green Beret, Airborne/Ranger/Pathfinder qualified, kneels up to his nose in the stinking, infested mud of a swamp with a 65 lb. pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an airplane into the ocean, swimming 10 miles to the swamp and killing an alligator, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault the enemy camp. He says with a passionate snarl, "God, Gimmee Some MORE of this shit!"

    An Air Force cadet sits in an easy chair in his air-conditioned, carpeted room and says, "The cable's out? What kind of shit is that?!?"
    ------------------
    A reader wrote us, retelling the story about the military pilot calling ATC for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one shut down.

    "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach!"
    ------------------
    I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt and I were screaming across southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles Center's airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.

    I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots," Center replied.

    Moments later a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.

    We weren't the only ones proud of our speed that day, as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause. "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

    Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard the familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

    "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer-than-normal pause. "Aspen, I show one thousand seven hundred forty-two knots."

    No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
    ------------------
    PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first". The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
    ------------------
    A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San,Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport
    ------------------
    O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ...I've got that Fokker in sight
    ------------------
    Those German controllers at Frankfurt Airport tend to be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect pilots to know their parking location but how to get there without any assistance. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

    Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt. Speedbird 206 clear of active."

    Ground: "Good Morning. Taxi to your gate."

    The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

    Ground: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going?"

    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground. I'm looking up the gate location now."

    Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

    Speedbird 206 (coolly), "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
    ------------------
    "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.."

    "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

    "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
    ------------------
    "Air France 1234, Confirm are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"

    "A340, of course..."

    "In that case, would you mind switching on the other two engines and try giving me 1000 foot per minute or better, rate of climb?!!!"
    ------------------
    Twr: Speedbird 332 standby there's a Virgin pushing back behind you with a tight slot!
    ------------------
    Overheard from Chicago Center: Center: N1234A, Climb like your life depends on it -- because it does.

    Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
    Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

    Controller:"Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
    Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

    Delta 171, maintain visual separation from that cloud, there's an airplane in it!
    ------------------
    Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."
    Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
    Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
    Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
    Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
    Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
    So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.
    ------------------
    He's working USA553 westbound and is about to turn him over to Cleveland...
    Controller: USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.6.
    Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6!
    Controller: USA353 you're just like my wife -- you never listen!
    Pilot: Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!
    ------------------
    ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
    N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
    ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
    N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
    ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
    N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
    ------------------
    Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon".
    Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon!"
    (brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
    ------------------
    ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway
    AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working
    ------------------
    Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."
    ------------------
    Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
    Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
    Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!
    ------------------
    Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
    Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
    (short pause)...
    Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
    the big W immediately ..."
    ------------------
    Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach."
    Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"
    ------------------
    Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
    82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
    D5: "Same position, same altitude."
    ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form??"
    ------------------
    "No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his." George Patton
    MacBook Pro 2.2Ghz C2D, 2Gb Ram, 15.4" - Logitech Z-5500 - 37" Viera LCD - PS3 - iPhone 3G - iPad 16gb Wifi
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  2. #2
    mathias's here's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dont_Shoot
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    Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."
    Die vond ik toch de beste van deze. Kende er al een deel van. Ge moet maar eens hier kijken.
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  3. #3
    pro_Vlaming's Avatar
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    Toen ik is aant vliegen was met de A330 van SN, hoorde ik de piloot door de intercom zeggen "een goede koffie en een pijpbeurt zou ik nu wel kunnen gebruiken". Dan rent meteen de stewardess naar de cockpit om hem te zeggen dat de intercom opstond zonder dat hij het wist. Even later hoorden we de piloot weer: "Aah, en nu nog een koffie."

    Eentje voor Wouter (jupwarass)
    en eentje voor Lennert (fulcrum)
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  4. #4
    sneax's Avatar
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    lol toffe mopjes
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  5. #5
    S3TH's Avatar
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    Idd, en idd, die student pilot is best wel grappig

    En die van KLM ook..
    .
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  6. #6
    [Jup]war-ass's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pro_Vlaming
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show
    kennek al lang
    was tijdje mijn avatar ergens
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  7. #7
    mathias's here's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by [Jup]war-ass
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    kennek al lang
    was tijdje mijn avatar ergens
    zal u geheugen opfrissen... MSN !!
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  8. #8
    [Jup]war-ass's Avatar
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    is goed mogelijk, kzou zelf zeggen
    jaaaa
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  9. #9
    FuLcRuM's Avatar
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    haha de max
    Last.fm
    PSN: lennert1984
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  10. #10
    Pinkybob's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pro_Vlaming
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show
    Toen ik is aant vliegen was met de A330 van SN, hoorde ik de piloot door de intercom zeggen "een goede koffie en een pijpbeurt zou ik nu wel kunnen gebruiken". Dan rent meteen de stewardess naar de cockpit om hem te zeggen dat de intercom opstond zonder dat hij het wist. Even later hoorden we de piloot weer: "Aah, en nu nog een koffie."

    Eentje voor Wouter (jupwarass)
    en eentje voor Lennert (fulcrum)








    Zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalig.
    no votes  

  11. #11
    [be]Oxcap's Avatar
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    zie mijn sig
    Pilot: Tower, call me a fuel truck.
    Tower: Roger, you're a fuel truck.
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  12. #12
    S3TH's Avatar
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    Gij zit over Sabine Hagedoorn te praten?
    .
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  13. #13
    [be]Oxcap's Avatar
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    neen sleth
    Pilot: Tower, call me a fuel truck.
    Tower: Roger, you're a fuel truck.
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